we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
