Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I believe in your delicious
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
