there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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