before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
