He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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