Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
