threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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