he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
