I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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