Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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