make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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