your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He felt like a one man threesome
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
