if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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