How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize