I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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