im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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