My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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