how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
