to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
