I looked at my own cervix.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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