So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize