so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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