Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
