Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
