White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
