youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
