It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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