I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
