On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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