apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
