I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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