Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
