My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
