I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
