Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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