was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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