Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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