You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
