she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
