yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
