Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
