How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
