He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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