Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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