A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
