You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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