I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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