if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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