i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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