Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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