you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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