1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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