So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
