So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
