i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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