Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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