I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
