I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize