If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
