but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
