Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
