I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
