apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
