My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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