Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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