I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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