yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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