I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
