Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
