Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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